la fille perdue, la fille trouvée

thank you, ayaan, for your words
for my own thoughts, emotions and understandings
are so many, new and confused
it has been difficult to form my own

the strictness led to hypocrisy
how the concept of should has always plagued me
how my own sense of self has always shamed me
i imagined it would be them,
though it was foremost i who blamed me

if all these rules we live by
are used to judge and scorn so many
then what good are these rules we all live by
it is easier to adhere than to empathize,
to seek to understand

we adapt the rules of the Bible to suit our time and life
but not our social concepts of what is wrong and right
but not our need to deem what is wrong and right
but not our incessant concern for another's private life

i likened privacy to lying
my guilt was utterly pervasive and oppressive
i longed to experience their world
like one finds comfort in titles and possessions

the price of belonging was my sense of self
i became lost in a different way than i had already been
still lost, but with a dawning of understanding and acceptance
where the guilt has finally begun to fall away

how i am thankful for a life long and patient enough
for a foolish girl to realize she is not foolish
how i am grateful that i have faced fear, faced myself
though often clarity and understanding trails by many years

i have learnt that we are both
always alone and never alone
that i am good
that it is good to be me

(le 14 fév 2009)

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