Found writings

Too many websites, not enough dates.
These I copied and pasted from my fitness website,
kept there as a hidden page,
undated,
written I-have-no-idea-when.

these words are all my own
from my little heart full of love
from my big fat head full of ideas and also crap
from my little soul lost, slowly finding its way...

my narration is plain, without flowers
"GOD" is understood as a simple belief in karma and love
only life, society and random human beings
are still terribly confusing

ownership is not a goal of mine
of anything, anyone
only of my own thoughts and actions
that is more than enough if but entirely unattainable

i am happy in my Little Room
not content, HAPPY
where i can exist in my neatly packaged Queendom
with an ideology that maintains my sanity

that is logic, reason, order
and invited like-minded others
not pacified, stunted, automated
supposedly self-aware Aristobrats

sans hob-nobbing, name-dropping,
money-gawking, status-quoing
BULLSHIT
it makes me sick

angry, rather, not ill
that's me:
happy, angry little c
and these words are all my own...
______________________

i warned you
instead you saw me as a challenge
i hurt you
yet you pitied me as damaged
you refused to give up on me
i spat in your face
you began to feel anger & frustration
despite your wasted Samaritan heart
you yelled
i was indifferent
you threatened & cursed
i began to be bored of it all
making you powerless
desperate
illogical
diabolical
you grabbed a knife and my wrist
and wildly sliced off my fist
and i broke out in fits of laughter
you stupid fucking bastard
i've already been Dead Forever
__________________________________

no manicure, pedicure nor facial for me
i'm collecting pretty bruises while climbing a tree
gratefully naive and smelling that rose
not shackled by ridiculous pantyhose

losing my toenails but painting them pink
looking so pretty, one would never think
what these feet can do in a shoe, on a pedal
in a jewelry box i keep not jewels but medals

working it, doing it, paying the bills
cleaning out the dirt from beneath my nails
a little mascara and even less of a dress
oh now look who is impressed...

i am the epitome of femininity
BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN, so in all that i do
I DEFINE FEMININITY
not society, not history, NOT YOU
___________________________

i once was a baby girl
i don't remember
what a sweet state that would be
forever
imagine
it lasted
a lifetime
appreciated just for being
perfect
so far
LOVED
unharmed
imagine it lasted a lifetime

freedom is my bicyclette
on a summer's day
with an object of my affection
but not of the direction
i ride

at lunch i rode said bicyclette
up the street then the street back down
all around
sun shining
wind breezing
air breathing
NOT sitting in the lunchroom eating mccrap
those closed quarters with the refiltered air
with the walls and the policies
and the windows that don't open
where sometimes i lose my mccool and get upset
and apologize and carry on
instead of being IN CONTROL! ALL THE TIME!
i sometimes wonder if i'm crazy a little
in fact
i hope
i am
if the opposite is COMPLETELY! PROFESSIONAL!

i am leaving "all this"
to become the smartest little waitress
the happiest little waitress
running
around
smiling
charming
using the legs attached to the ass
once sat on all day
wasting away at a desk behind a screen
within walls behind doors between floors
does anyone know I am here?
using the arms and hands attached to the fingertips
once TAP! TAP! tapping all day
the only activity this able body did see
oh that one inch range of motion above my keyboard
the KEY is i was BORED
the thing is i am ME!

i once was a little girl
some things i remember
some things i can't forget
and really, wouldn't want to
for who would i be then?
well i wouldn't be me
perhaps some zombie
contentedly hidden at a desk behind a screen
with a dream?
PERHAPS!
i can only really know my own mind
and that, too, is vague at times
______________________

i cry to you
beautiful boy
it is the flood
the storm
take me
fall in
swamps
want is a pool
he was walking
with will
___________

oh we "adults"
can do such dangerous things
like reel on drugs or fall in love
who's higher?
whose judgment more infrared?
WHO CARES
i'm in love, you're high
nothing else matters
though a broken heart is worse than coming down
the lines are just a substitute_________________________________

more narcissistic than confident
i don't lament
the years i spent
as a self-indulging ingnorant
but only the moments
tender and real
that i have not
they are only now to be had
you legitimize my past
i am not so bad

to each parent, lover, friend, and enemy
i offer no apology
instead i simply, humbly tender the product of ME
an unpolished, imperfect, unfinished victory
a legacy of misinterpretations and ungraceful memories
indeed, these i shall keep

i will never EVER let this happy ending
tint rosily what in me once so needed mending
to fit in, shush, glaze over, start pretending
the errors, voids, sins and blame do not exist
of this i wish
to keep all consciousness
i will be DAMNED! if i slide fully into present bliss
WORSE THAN IGNORANT THAT IS STUPID!
irresponsible and dangerous
akin to when i was a young and foolish narcissist
and my ego paraded as my heart
if not from my past full of truth and imperfection
from what pillar could i b r e a t ... h ... e ...
and truly SEE
and allow THEE how to love ME
____________________

uninspired
where's my fire
where has THE FLAME gone

consumed by the raindrops
missing the wicked, beautiful lightning
the wonderous, humbling thunderstorm

far from dismal
BAPTISMAL
once you're soaked you're FREE

don't run away!
what's falling from the sky IS escape!
i pedal slowly and bathe

i bathe, i bask
free again, free at last
opposites attract
___________________

the mornings are mine
happiness is mine
a life of my own design

no fate, no destiny
no shame, no history
no place, no mystery

i run because i can
because these legs work
and i refuse to stand

though my mother's mind is ailing
though her legs are failing
and with time there's just no telling

so i run 'long this path
away from The Path
not away from the past
___________

i
was attacked
with a knife
by a girl
in a bar
long ago
for no reason
i could see

a
case of
the wrong place
the wrong time
just might fly
if you weren't
up to current
speed on me
________________

in a previous confession
i denounced all possessions
so i'm having a time of it
in my shell of dirt and spit
little hypocrite

for it makes no sense
as mere organic humans
to play house like this
what biological purpose
is there in a kiss?

is it all so complicated
or so depressingly simple
is it all so uphill
perhaps can we chalk the whole thing up
to this new birth control pill

i try to stay positive
so i lose true perspective
whilst battling demons
i'm swallowing semen
mulling over such modern decisions
____________________________

discussing Nietzsche
over Lychee
martinis
at the beachy
but you just wanna get freaky
when you see me in my bikini
but a weenie's a weenie
and i am tryin' to find the meaning
of life
_______________

far above imagination girl
beautiful friend
she came for me
asking
is it summer still?
and the soft grass waves
sun so red
magic sky
yes, my love
_______

the girl who could do it all
had a very long way to fall
in front of them all
oh what a ball is life
round and round it cuts like a knife
who knows what one truly wantswhen one is busy trying to do what's right

the girl who refused to fail
whose dress got caught on a nail
a nail in the floor
on which she was born
long and flat it's so hard to travel
tied to the past by a dress unravelled
oh how does one shine after one dazzles?

there once was a girl named christina
who laughed like a wild hyena
but then she grew up
and then she threw up
allora ecco la fina
_________________

la fille qui a peur (Chicken)

You've never seen me before
Because I've been hiding behind my bedroom door
Writing and listening and working and wishing
Full of dreams and ambition
But just way too chicken
To share what's in my lungs and in my heart and on my mind
Too scared to try
Then I woke up and now I'm thirty-five
Living but not fully alive
What have I been waiting for?
Hiding there behind my bedroom door
Hiding like the servant with only one bag of gold
Afraid to use it and lose it and displease the lord
Well I once was lost and I once was scared
But now I feel the melody that's in the air
And I'm ready to both flounder and flourish
Both are necessary to properly nourish
I have songs to sing and tales to be told
Here I am, world, at thirty-five years old...

(le 11 janvier 2010)

la fille française

perdue
je ne me reconnais pas
après la résolution de mes problèmes
il n'y a rien qui reste
un foyer vide
un cadre faible
je ne me connais pas
je ne sais pas ce que je veux
quel chemin à prendre
et où se terminent tous chemins
tout est bien sinon plât
je pense aux autres aux endroits plus mal
et j'ai honte de ressentir
si depressée
et cette hontesse me fait plus
perdue

(le 28 août 2008)

je n'ai pas de racines
ni de chemin
je suis toute seule
je ne sais rien

je n'ai pas d'envie
ni de douleur
je souffle chaque jour
mais je suis morte

(le 6 et 7 septembre 2008)

la fille sceptique

Good day to you. No prose today, just a thought or few.

I am leaving for Rome in a mere 8 hours. Fittingly, I have just finished watching a documentary called "The God Who Wasn't There" by Brian Flemming. A very interesting watch. The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins was similarily a very provocative read. These, as well as Infidel by Ayann Hirsi Ali, Water by Deepa Mehta, Scared Sacred by Velcrow Ripper, etc. etc. have led me to write this...

I was raised Catholic by a well-meaning but nevertheless semi-fanatical Jesus-loving, tele-evangelist-watching mom. As I grew, I staunchly and blindly believed, too. The first crack came when a close friend became pregnant at the age of 15 or so. Well abortion is wrong. Period. End of story. Praise God. But I couldn't actually look in my friend's eye or my own heart and believe that she should have this child. So how did I reconcile my new, conflicting and confusing point of view?

I concluded that the Bible is a set of rules for each Bible-following person to interpret for each his or her own life. So abortion was wrong for me (easy to say, never been pregnant!) but might not be wrong for someone else. Phew.

Life goes on.

I even remember as late in life as a couple of years after I graduated from university (around 2000, age 26) saying that I could never be with someone who didn't believe in God because how could that person ever truly understand me? Wow. Realizing that I said that truly amazes me now.

My departure from Catholicism was gradual, as my world became larger, my mind became stronger, and I allowed myself to be critical, logical and autonomical. My new larger world contained a lot of great and loving people, and some of those people were God-damned gays. Literally, they are God-damned. It says so right in the Bible. You know, that book written by infallible men back in the first century when they thought that the world was flat and that the sun revolved around the earth. That book that teaches hatred of gays and the justified killing of anyone who does not name Jesus as the son of God. That book that teaches a lot of things that I just don't agree with, ethically nor logically.

So yeah. I was tired of feeling guilty allllllllllllllllllllllll the time. For innocent and fun sexual explorations...for birth control...wait...the Bible says sex is only for the purpose of procreation, but then the Pope changed that at some point, it's okay now, so birth control is okay now...phew...for lying (I never felt guilty about birth control!)...etc.

Good-bye, Cahtolicism, Hello Atheism. But still I often wonder why we have conscious thought and emotions...what biological / physiological purpose? And if none, then why do we have these at all? Some answers have been rejected, but soooooo many more questions remain!
(le 26 juillet 2010)

la fille perdue, la fille trouvée

thank you, ayaan, for your words
for my own thoughts, emotions and understandings
are so many, new and confused
it has been difficult to form my own

the strictness led to hypocrisy
how the concept of should has always plagued me
how my own sense of self has always shamed me
i imagined it would be them,
though it was foremost i who blamed me

if all these rules we live by
are used to judge and scorn so many
then what good are these rules we all live by
it is easier to adhere than to empathize,
to seek to understand

we adapt the rules of the Bible to suit our time and life
but not our social concepts of what is wrong and right
but not our need to deem what is wrong and right
but not our incessant concern for another's private life

i likened privacy to lying
my guilt was utterly pervasive and oppressive
i longed to experience their world
like one finds comfort in titles and possessions

the price of belonging was my sense of self
i became lost in a different way than i had already been
still lost, but with a dawning of understanding and acceptance
where the guilt has finally begun to fall away

how i am thankful for a life long and patient enough
for a foolish girl to realize she is not foolish
how i am grateful that i have faced fear, faced myself
though often clarity and understanding trails by many years

i have learnt that we are both
always alone and never alone
that i am good
that it is good to be me

(le 14 fév 2009)

la fille naive

these words are all my own
from my little heart full of love
from my big fat head full of ideas and also crap
from my little soul lost, slowly finding its way...

my narration is plain, without flowers
"GOD" is understood as a simple belief in karma and love
only life, society and random human beings
are still terribly confusing

ownership is not a goal of mine
of anything, anyone
only of my own thoughts and actions
that is more than enough if but entirely unattainable

i am happy in my Little Room
not content, HAPPY
where i can exist in my neatly packaged Queendom
with an ideology that maintains my sanity

that is logic, reason, order
and invited like-minded others
not pacified, stunted, automated
supposedly self-aware Aristobrats

sans hob-nobbing, name-dropping,
money-gawking, status-quoing
BULLSHIT
it makes me sick

angry, rather, not ill
that's me:
happy, angry little c
and these words are all my own...
____________________________

i warned you
instead you saw me as a challenge
i hurt you
yet you pitied me as damaged
you refused to give up on me
i spat in your face
you began to feel anger & frustration
despite your wasted Samaritan heart
you yelled
i was indifferent
you threatened & cursed
i began to be bored of it all
making you powerless
desperate illogical diabolical
you grabbed a knife
and my wrist
and wildly sliced off my fist
and i broke out in fits
of laughter
you stupid fucking bastard
i've already been Dead
Forever
__________________________________

no manicure, pedicure nor facial for me
i'm collecting pretty bruises while climbing a tree
gratefully naive and smelling that rose
not shackled by ridiculous pantyhose

losing my toenails but painting them pink
looking so pretty, one would never think
what these feet can do in a shoe, on a pedal
in a jewelry box i keep not jewels but medals

working it, doing it, paying the bills
cleaning out the dirt from beneath my nails
a little mascara and even less of a dress
oh now look who is impressed...

i am the epitome of femininity
BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN
so in all that i do
I DEFINE FEMININITY
not society, not history,
NOT YOU
___________________________

i once was a baby girl
i don't remember
what a sweet state that would be
forever
imagine
it lasted a lifetime
appreciated just for being
perfect
so far
LOVED
unharmed
imagine it lasted a lifetime

freedom is my bicyclette
on a summer's day
with an object of my affection
but not of the direction
i ride

at lunch i rode said bicyclette
up the street then the street back down
all around
sun shining
wind breezing
air breathing
NOT sitting in the lunchroom eating mccrap
those closed quarters with the refiltered air
with the walls and the policies
and the windows that don't open
where sometimes i lose my mccool and get upset
and apologize and carry on
instead of being IN CONTROL! ALL THE TIME!
i sometimes wonder if i'm crazy a little
in fact
i hope
i am
if the opposite is COMPLETELY! PROFESSIONAL!

i am leaving "all this"
to become the smartest little waitress
the happiest little waitress
running
around
smiling
charming
using the legs attached to the ass
once sat on all day
wasting away
at a desk behind a screen
within walls behind doors between floors
does anyone know I am here?
using the arms and hands attached to the fingertips
once TAP! TAP! tapping all day
the only activity this able body did see
oh that one inch range of motion above my keyboard
the KEY is i was BORED
the thing is i am ME!

i once was a little girl
some things i remember
some things i can't forget
and really, wouldn't want to
for then who would i be?
well i wouldn't be me
but perhaps some zombie
contentedly hidden at a desk behind a screen
with a dream?
PERHAPS!
i can only really know my own mind
and that, too, is vague at times
______________________

i cry to you
beautiful boy
it is the flood
the storm
take me
fall in
swamps
want is a pool
he was walking
with will
___________

oh we "adults"
can do such dangerous things
like reel on drugs or fall in love
who's higher?
whose judgment more infrared?
WHO CARES
i'm in love, you're high
nothing else matters
though a broken heart is worse than coming down
the lines are just a substitute
_________________________________

more narcissistic than confident
i don't lament
the years i spent
as a self-indulging ingnorant
but only the moments
tender and real
that i have not
they are only now to be had
you legitimize my past
i am not so bad

to each parent, lover, friend, and enemy
i offer no apology
instead i simply, humbly tender the product of ME
an unpolished, imperfect, unfinished victory
a legacy of misinterpretations and ungraceful memories
indeed, these i shall keep

i will never EVER let this happy ending
tint rosily what in me once so needed mending
to fit in, shush, glaze over, start pretending
the errors, voids, sins and blame do not exist
of this i wish
to keep all consciousness
i will be DAMNED! if i slide fully into present bliss
WORSE THAN IGNORANT THAT IS STUPID!
irresponsible and dangerous
akin to when i was a young and foolish narcissist
and my ego paraded as my heart
if not from my past full of truth and imperfection
from what pillar could i b r e a t ... h ... e ...
and truly SEE
and allow THEE how to love ME
____________________

uninspired
where's my fire
where has THE FLAME gone

consumed by the raindrops
missing the wicked, beautiful lightning
the wonderous, humbling thunderstorm

far from dismal
BAPTISMAL
once you're soaked you're FREE

don't run away!
what's falling from the sky IS escape!
i pedal slowly and bathe

i bathe, i bask
free again, free at last
opposites attract
___________________

the mornings are mine
happiness is mine
a life of my own design

no fate, no destiny
no shame, no history
no place, no mystery

i run because i can
because these legs work
and i refuse to stand

though my mother's mind is ailing
though her legs are failing
and with time there's just no telling

so i run along this path
away from The Path
not away from the past
___________

i
was attacked
with a knife
by a girl
in a bar
long ago
for no reason
i could see

a c
ase of
the wrong place
the wrong time
just might fly
if you weren't
up to current
speed on me
________________

in a previous confession
i denounced all possessions
so i'm having a time of it
in my shell of dirt and spit
little hypocrite

for it makes no sense
as mere organic humans
to play house like this
what biological purpose
is there in a kiss?

is it all so complicated
or so depressingly simple
is it all so uphill
perhaps can we chalk the whole thing up
to this new birth control pill


i try to stay positive
so i lose true perspective
whilst battling demons
i'm swallowing semen
mulling over such modern decisions
____________________________

discussing Nietzsche
over Lychee
martinis
at the beachy
but you just wanna get freaky

when you see me in my bikini
but a weenie's a weenie
and i am tryin' to find the meaning
of life
_______________

far above imagination girl
beautiful friend
she came for me
askingis it summer still?
and the soft grass waves
sun so red
magic sky
yes, my love
_____________

the girl who could do it all
had a very long way to fall
in front of them all
oh what a ball is life
round and round it cuts like a knife
who knows what one truly wants
when one is busy trying to do what's right

the girl who refused to fail
whose dress got caught on a nail
a nail in the floor
on which she was born
long and flat it's so hard to travel
tied to the past by a dress unravelled
oh how does one shine after one dazzles?

there once was a girl named christina
who laughed like a wild hyena
but then she grew up
and then she threw up
allora ecco la fina
_________________